Knowing
by Katvictory
Summary: Mulder's thought after being abducted


TITLE: Knowing  
  
AUTHOR: Katvictory   
  
DISCLAIMERS: They all belong to Chris Carter and Fox,  
I want nothing. Don't sue.   
  
RATING: PG-13 (One less than PC word)  
  
SUMMARY: Mulder's thoughts after his abduction  
  
CATEGORIES: post-episode (Requiem); v  
  
SPOILERS: Ah - Requiem - Don't think it spoils it but it'd help to know what happened  
FEEDBACK: dev1025@uswest.net  
  
  
Knowing -  
by Katvictory  
  
At first there was no sense of awareness. It was good. No  
sight, no sound, no pain.   
Then a voice came inside. Soft, calmly spoken, but not to be   
denied.  
  
"Do you KNOW sadness?"  
  
The tug on my mind was brutal. It tore each memory from me  
one by one from the beginning until my last conscious  
thought as the light claimed me...all that lay between. My  
life.  
  
- she leaves, who'll hold me? who'll feed me? i'm alone.  
what if she doesn't come back? mother?  
  
"Do you KNOW sadness?"  
  
- she's gone. i lost her. it's my fault. i don't KNOW what  
happened. i can't remember. really. i'm sorry. please, i'm  
so sorry. dad, i'm sorry. will they ever find her? she's  
gone...  
  
"Do you KNOW sadness?"  
  
- she's gone. i'm too late. they took her. it's my fault.  
this happened because of me. i have to find her. she's  
gone...  
  
"Do you KNOW sadness?"  
  
- she's dying. there's nothing i can do. this is happening  
because of me. i have to find a way to save her. she can't  
die...  
  
"Do you KNOW sadness?"  
  
- will i see her again?  
  
They're not taken from me. They're still there. But the   
pain that came when they brought them up to study them so  
coldly makes me bury them deeper. I can never let them surface   
again. Never. They're gone.  
  
But I'm fine. Who needs sadness anyway?  
  
*****  
  
They come again. Another question, more torture. What is  
stolen this time is more painful, because it's something I  
need. Still when they ask, I must give, each and every  
memory that's there.  
  
"Do you KNOW joy?"  
  
They take, and take. I try to hold back, but they won't let  
me.  
  
"Do you KNOW joy?"  
  
- her laugh, that deep rich sound that floats up so amazingly   
light. It caresses my senses, makes my nerves tingle...   
  
"Do you KNOW joy?"  
  
- her body, curled up next to mine. warm flesh against  
flesh...  
  
"Do you KNOW joy?"  
  
- that scent, her hair sweet vanilla. her soap. the odor of  
longing...of need, hot passion seeps from her pores.   
  
"Do you KNOW joy?"  
  
- i see her smile, her tears, her hair, her hands, her  
body...  
  
And now it's gone. No more. What will be next?   
  
*****  
  
The voice asks. I give. There's nothing left. But still they  
want.  
  
"Do you KNOW fear?"  
  
"Do you KNOW pain?"  
  
"Do you KNOW compassion?"  
  
"Do you KNOW jealousy?"  
  
"Do you KNOW excitement?"  
  
"Do you KNOW contentment?"  
  
"Do you KNOW hate?"  
  
HATE! DO I KNOW HATE! You've come to the right place,   
mother-fucker!  
  
"Do you KNOW hate?"  
  
I'm full of hate!  
  
"Do you KNOW hate?"  
  
But if you take that, too, I'll have nothing left.   
  
"Do you KNOW hate?"  
  
So they look...they find.  
  
And it's gone.  
  
There's nothing.  
  
*****  
  
The voice...it comes again. What's left to take?  
  
"Do you KNOW love?"  
  
There's no love left. None. You took all the joy, the  
sorrow, the fear, the pain, the excitement, the contentment,  
the compassion, the jealousy, the hate...love is all those  
things. Look inside of me, there's nothing...nothing left.   
  
"Do you KNOW love?"  
  
No, I KNOW nothing.  
  
*****  
  
I feel the cold. My eyes open, the smell of leaves, the  
earthy scent of rain sodden dirt. I'm home.  
  
"I'm home," my voice is flat, joyless.  
  
I'm hurt, but I can't feel the pain.  
  
It's cold, I need to get warm, but I can't move. I'm not afraid because I don't   
know fear.  
  
I bring my arm up. I see the tiny, golden cross catch the sun, in the dim,   
gray light.  
  
They didn't KNOW I lied -  
  
- I KNOW...i still know...love.   
  
END   
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
